


Love and Beans

by Lieju



Category: Camp Pining Hearts - Fandom, Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Camp Pining Hearts, Human Romance, M/M, Steven Universe - Freeform, accountant!pierre, coffee shop AU, if you ship percy/pauline don't read this you don't DESERVE it you CLOD, pareidolia, percy/pauline shippers are the worst, peridot writes fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8010304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lieju/pseuds/Lieju
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi I'm Peridot also known as Percy/Pierrelover463 on the Camp pining hearts forum. I have recently found out about human mating tradition known as 'coffee shopping' and decided to write this story or 'fic' to re-examine the SUPERIOR combination Percy/Pierre in a new context. Please read and review I once saved this planet I deserve at least some reviews for it right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Beans

Percy was brooding at the coffee shop where he lived as a barista.  
"I have done all of the tasks required of me as a coffeehouse employee, who prepares and serves espresso-based coffee drinks," he said to himself. “Yet I feel sad despite being so productive.”

"Hello Percy!" a voice screeched.

"Oh no, it's Paulette who holds the record of being worst at coffee, especially espresso," Percy thought but didn't say it out loud because Paulette hated being faced with facts. She also smelled worse than humans usually do and couldn't do math.

"What is your order?" Percy asked.

"I would like to get some coffee to replenish my caffeine levels."

"Here you go, two hundred dollars."

Paulette started eating the coffee beans and smiled. She looked dumb munching on the beans.

She violated his personal bubble and put a hand to his shoulder. "How's my boyfriend doing?"

"Oh no," said Percy.

Because!

At this VERY moment...

Pierre walked in and heard that! Now he thought Percy was dating Paulette. And this was the day that Percy had been planning to ask Pierre to marry him and run the coffee shop with him! Pierre was an accountant and good at economic planning and doing taxes so it had been Percy's plan to secure his support via marriage.

Pierre looked solemn and ran off.

Percy tried to run after him but Paulette stopped him. "Let him go," Paulette said. "He's bad news."

"No, that's untrue!" Percy said wisely but loudly. "YOU are bad news."

Paulette exploded in anger except not literally. She knew Percy was right.

"You are not good at your job! I will write a bad review and no one wants to come to your shop ever again!"

Paulette's mother was a mayor of Northern Hemisphere where the coffee shop happened to be located so she had the social capital to cause real harm by going to the Internet and telling lies.

"If you don't marry me I'll tell my mother to come and arrest you and throw your beans in the trash," Paulette cackled evilly.

"Oh no," Percy despaired.

 

...

Pierre was walking on a boulevard in an abandoned city that was empty.

"I walk a lonely road. The only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone!"

For a moment he had dared to hope his road would be a little less lonely. It was difficult being so good at being an accountant. Every year The American Accounting Association gave him the prize of being the best accountant. But all the golden trophies couldn't fill the gaping abyss in his heart that yearned for something more and in the lonely nights when Pierre stared into the aforementioned abyss the abyss stared back and he could almost see a face in there. Of course it wasn't actually a face, abysses don't have faces. It was simply a case of pareidolia, a psychological phenomenon involving a stimulus wherein the mind perceives a familiar pattern of something where none actually exists. Nevertheless these tricks human minds play on themselves could reveal subconscious desires and occasionally the face Pierre saw in this heart abyss was familiar.... it was...

Percy!

He knew Percy was very good at being a barista and held the high score in all of the Massive Multiplayer Online games. If only they could have formed the ultimate combo!

Alas, it was not to be.

He felt sad and walked to the bridge to be depressed.

...

"Percy!" Paulette burped uglily. "Go wait the tables!"

Percy kept his cool and didn't yell at Paulette. If she told her to go away she'd take revenge on him.

So he went and waited for a table. After the table arrived he wiped it clean. Paulette came and spilled milk on the table.

"Oops," she snorted.

He wiped it clean again.

"So I called my mother. She will come to our wedding tomorrow."

"WHAT!? I'M NOT MARRYING YOU?" Percy exclaimed righteously.

"Are you so sure???" Paulette pulled out a gun. "If you don't then I will shoot you."

Percy looked her in the eye and she covered in fear. "Then shoot me!"

"No, I will shoot... PIERRE!" She grinned maliciously.

And Percy knew he was defeated.

Paulette gave him a telephone. "Call Pierre and tell him this-"

...

Pierre answered his phone. "Hello, eh?"

"Hi this is Percy."

Pierre smiled and it felt like he was filled with butterflies that wanted to go drink nectar from Percy-shaped flowers. "Hi. What's up dude," he said coolly.

"I hate you and you smell go away I will be moving to Australia soon bye."

And the phonecall cut off.

"What?" said Pierre sadly but in disbelief. Then he started to cry. "Why?"

"Is your name Pierre?" said a mysterious voice.

"Huh?"

It was a moderately tall human woman with green hair and glasses called Perry. (A/N: If you want to know who this is read my earlier story. She's an OC but not a Mary Sue. She's 56 years old and Percy's cousin who was undercover in Slovakia so Percy didn't know she existed)

Perry said: "I know what's going on because I have been spying on Paulette. Let me tell you everything."

 

...

Paulette and Percy were standing on top of the Empire City Building. It was the highest place in the city and thus the fanciest place to hold a wedding.

"Do you want to marry this Paulette person?" the mayor of Empire City asked, holding a big book of human law.

"I..."

Paulette sneakily pulled out a gun in a way no one else could see it. But Percy noticed and knew it was a threat. He had to do this to save Pierre.

"I..."

"OBJECTION!" Someone yelled. And it was Pierre!

"Pierre!" Percy gasped.

"A woman who said she was your cousin told me you didn't actually want to marry Paulette," Pierre said. "Tell me is it true?"

"It's true!" Percy couldn't lie to Pierre! "I had to marry her or she'd ruin my business!"

Paulette took out her gun. "That's right. And there is nothing you can do to stop me!"

She threatened the mayor. "Say the important legal words to make us married!"

Percy despaired. "What can we do? I am but a barista. If she was made of espresso I could mix her but she is a human."

Pierre took out a tablet. "I have proof here that Paulette hasn't been paying taxes. She will have to go to prison and prisoners can't get married to baristas." (A/N: I'm not sure if this is true but logically if you have to go to prison you can't go on a honeymoon so your marriage is invalid)

"THEN I WILL JUST SHOOT EVERYONE! STARTING WITH YOU PIERRE!" Paulette screeched and shot the gun.

**BAM!**

"Pierre!"

Percy was angry and punched Paulette in self defense and she fell from the building.

"AAAAaaaaahhhh!" she screamed. She hit the street and died.

"May she rest in piece," said the mayor.

"Pierre!" Percy ran to Pierre. "Are you okay? Please, I need you!"

"Percy... I need to... kiss me Percy to give me psychosomatic will to live."

Percy kissed Pierre. It was the first kiss for both of them.

Pierre closed his eyes and smiled.

"Nooooooo!" Percy screamed to the sky. And it started raining.

 

...

 

Percy put a flower vase on the hospital table next to Pierre's bed.

"We were lucky there was a hospital next door," Percy said.

Pierre nodded. "I thought I would die. I need to take medicine every day but then I will be fine. Human bodies can repair themselves even if it's inefficient."

Percy agreed.

He blushed. "Pierre I love you!"

 _Oh no, why did I say it out loud???_ he thought.

But Pierre said: "Wow, thanks."

And then they kissed again.


End file.
